This is Africa

“This is Africa.” He said with a shaky voice after nearly jumping out of his skin. I stood on the 3^rd floor of central market, with a friend, shopping for a birthday present. We were looking through clothes and all of a sudden, a large boom thundered about the air. Everyone I saw nearly jumped out of their skin, including myself and my friend. As my heart just about flew out of my chest I asked the man selling us the clothes what the sound was.

“It was not gunfire, don’t worry.”

“I know it wasn’t gunfire, but what was that sound?”

“Tear gas. They must be protesting outside.”

I stood with my friend and we asked each other if we should leave. We now couldn’t decide if it was safer to stay up on the top floor or to try and get to one of the exits downstairs not knowing what awaited us. At this point I was fine, maybe it was because I have had my fair share of waking up to the sound of gunfire the last few weeks or maybe it was because I felt a false sense of security being higher than where the sound came from.

“Are we safe? Do we need to leave?” we both asked the man who now also seemed to be quite fine.

“This is Africa.” He responded. “These things happen.”

He didn’t answer our question. But by not answering it, in a way, he kind of did. I have spent almost 3 months here now and I have to constantly remind myself where I am. I am indeed in Africa. A place I have learned to call home. One filled with beautiful people who I have come to know and love. Where I work alongside people who have a different skin color than me and yet they are like family. A place where each night I see the miraculously painted sunset and I’m reminded that no matter where you are in the world we are surrounded by beauty if we take the time to see it. Yet, at the same time I have woken up to gunfire at night paralyzed with fear. My grocery stores and ATMs have armed guards who sit out front. I’ve Seen police cars speeding down the street in riot gear, and stood on the top floor of a building full of thousands of people when tear gas has gone off and didn’t know what to do.

I have been pushed out of my comfort zone in so many ways here. I knew where I was coming when I hopped on the plane. I knew that I was going where both my heart and spirit felt called to go. And while I have been to this beautiful country before, nothing could have prepared me for what I would face when it came to living here.

I travelled to western Uganda on a 5-day jigger removal clinic with 13 staff members and a new friend. It was on that trip that I realized that the people I was with were like family. As we traversed the steep mountainsides I battled the thoughts raging in my mind. I held onto the door handle ready to jump out if the car started to go over the cliff. The fear of dying actually became real as our car lost brakes and slid down the road twice. As I gripped the door handle until my knuckles turned white I thought of two things. One, I don’t want to die, especially not like this. Two, if I jumped out I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I was the only one to survive. Four days on the road battling these thoughts and I felt like my heart was going to explode. My compacity for faith and trust grew exponentially. I had to trust and have faith in my driver. I had to have faith and trust that God called me to be in that moment and that whatever happened was in His hands. I had to give up control and roll with the punches, even when they knocked me off my feet and took the breath out of my lungs.

There is a song that I heard shortly before coming here. It’s called “Heart Like You”. I made it my prayer for while I was here.

“Heart Like You”

“Burn bright

In my life

Burn away the things

I hold tight

Give me

Eyes to see

Your Kingdom

The way You want it

To be

What can be worth more than You

What do I have I wouldn’t lose

If it means You and I

Look more alike

That’s what I chose

I’d give up the world to find my soul

Pour out my life, give You control

I just want to be what You want me to be

I just want a heart that’s true

A heart like You

I just want a heart like You

As Your waves

Take shape

All my guilt

And shame

Start to fade

And Your love

Takes their place

I become a well

Of Your grace, Your grace

 

I’d give up the world to find my soul

Pour out my life, give You control

I just want to be what You want me to be

I just want a heart that’s true

A heart like You

I just want a heart like You

I don’t mind the price it costs

I will count all I have as lost

When this fades away, what’s true remains

What can be worth more than You

What do I have I wouldn’t lose”

 

Had I known what the answer to this prayer was, I might not have prayed it.

 

I held a new friend as she wept uncontrollably after losing a third sibling.  I had sat down with her the week before as she told me about the loss of her other two siblings earlier in the year and I prayed for her sister who was sick. She came up to me on the day she lost her sister when she saw me and she held me tighter than I had ever been held before. I could barely breathe. As she cried she said “I need you to be strong for me. Please, I can’t do this anymore.” I held her just as tight and I wept with her. “Why is God doing this to me? Why is He punishing me? I can’t, no more, no more.” She cried out. It was in that moment I learned what it meant to have “a heart like you”. I sat with her in the midst of her pain and suffering knowing that the only thing I could say was “God is a God of love, He loves you, He is not punishing you.” I Felt her pain as though it was my own. My heart has never hurt that bad before.

After she left to go bury her sister I sat in complete confusion. What was going on? Why did I feel this way? I had been with people in pain and suffering before but somehow instead of sitting next to her pain I was sitting right in the middle of it with her. “Is this what you feel God? When your children hurt? When they are in pain?”

A few weeks later I found myself hugging another friend the day after she lost her newborn baby knowing that no matter what anyone would say, the hole in her heart would never be filled. The night it happened I received a text with the information and I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. I was beyond angry. I decided to go on a walk. I ended up having a screaming match with God. I questioned whether He was even real. In fact, I made Him prove to me that He was. I prayed “God if you are real you better show me because I’m so close to throwing in the towel and running as far away from you as I can. If you are real I dare you to first let me run into someone I know. If I run into someone I know then I won’t give up on you yet.” As I continued walking down the street, sure enough a family I knew from the church I had been attending drove up next to me and offered me a ride. I turned it down because I wasn’t done “yelling at God” yet. But at least it gave me the motivation to keep yelling out to Him.

By this time, it had started to rain. I then again threw up my voice to God. “Really, is this all you have? My friend lost her baby and if these are your tears they are weak. Do you really even care? When Jesus died you darkened and shook the earth but He came back to life. She will never see her daughter again in this life. How can you let that happen? If you actually care about her then make it pour. Make it rain harder than it has ever rained before.” I continued saying this over and over again, as it rained harder and harder I kept saying “Is that all you got? I dare you to make it rain harder.” I soon became soaking wet. By the time I got to the street I lived on, the roads had become red rivers flooding over my feet. I began to run. Unable to see more than a few feet ahead of me because it was raining so hard. Thunder cracked so loud I felt it in my chest. Lightening flashed across the sky. As I approached the gate it started to hail. I ran faster and faster, each step slashing water up into my face. I finally got under my covered porch as the hail became painful. I had to take off my outer layers because I looked like I had just jumped into a pool with all my clothes on. I dried off and sat on the porch thanking God for answering my prayer but still mad at him. I learned in this moment that God can answer prayers and reveal Himself to us even when we feel lie He has abandoned us.

It’s hard to process things here because as soon as you feel like you can handle one heartache another one falls into your lap. Another friend loses their child, friend, sibling, parent. It never ends. It never gets easier. It breaks your heart more and more each time.

I had let my heart become angry, I got frustrated. I wanted to give up. I knew God was in the midst of it but He wasn’t showing up like I wanted Him to.

“Pop, pop, pop,” I woke up shaking in my bed. My heart racing. Was that gunfire? “pop, pop.”  Yes, it most definitely was. I covered my face as the dogs started barking and a car alarm went off. “what do I do? Do I get under my bed?” It was 1am and I was so scared I wanted to throw up. I eventually ventured out with one of my roommates and we asked the guard on our porch what the noise was. “It was gunfire, they were shooting at a thief over there.” He pointed to the wall connecting our compound to the one behind us. I hardly slept the rest of the night. My body coursing with fear and adrenaline. As a matter of fact, I hardly slept the rest of the week. To make matters worse several nights following that one I woke up to the sound of gunfire once again although this time it was further off in the distance. I was too afraid to sleep in the dark but too afraid to sleep with a light on, fearing that someone would then come look into my window. I wanted to disappear, to fade into my bed and hide. It took about two weeks to feel comfortable sleeping again. And even now I still wake up to the sounds of the night wondering what is going on outside.

I was emotionally drained, so far out of my comfort zone and there was nothing I could do about it. I was stuck in a country on the other side of the world and all I wanted to do was be home, hug my mom and cry. I craved something familiar, comfortable and safe. I found myself completely alone even though I was surrounded by people. Instead of running towards connection I ran away. I didn’t know how to process everything that was going on around me, I didn’t know how to talk about it. it slowly began to build up until it started to crush me beneath the weight of it all. I found myself sleeping more but waking up in terror from dreams and sounds. I wanted to throw in the towel and give up but I didn’t want anyone to know.

In attempt to get my mind off things I started reading the last three books of the Chronicles of Narnia series. I read how when Eustace was a dragon and tried to shed his own scales he was helpless, only Aslan was strong enough to rip them off and bring him back to human form. How a small mouse named Reepicheep had faith enough to go to the end of the world not knowing what was there other than he wouldn’t return and believed that Aslan was there. When “courage dear heart” was whispered to Lucy and she knew that she wasn’t alone. The moment Puddleglum said “there are no accidents, our guide is Aslan.” How Jill drank out of the stream even though she was terrified because Aslan told her it was the only one. The faith that was shown when the words were uttered “I am on Aslan’s side even there isn’t any Aslan to lead it.” Knowing Aslan said, “you would not have called to me unless I had been calling to you.”

In “The Last Battle I “found myself in tears when the last king of Narnia said, “We must go on and take the adventure that comes to us.” Knowing that they were walking into what could have very well been their death. I found my spirit slowly being lifted.

For the first time in a while, I realized that God speaks to us in funny ways sometimes. This time He spoke to me through children’s books.  In the book God is represented as Aslan the Lion. He is the most glorious creature in all of Narnia. Unpredictable, powerful and majestic. He asks the characters to go on some pretty scary journeys and while sometimes though they think he has abandoned them they realize that he always shows up eventually when it’s in his timing to do so.

I kept asking “Where is God? Why has He abandoned me? Why can’t I hear from Him? Why is has He gone silent?” Then He showed up. A staff member told me he liked to draw. I asked him to draw me a picture. He drew a lion. I met a lady form Australia who treated me to a resort for the day. On the way there, she somehow talked about a lion. It was the first time in a while I got to go somewhere and relax in a beautiful place.  I opened up my IPad to draw a picture and there was one of a lion I had done almost 6 months ago, I had forgotten it was there. I was about to sit down in a seat I had been sitting in almost every day since I had been here but this time I noticed that on the pillow case there was a lion.

I received a package from home that I thought would never get to me. It could not have come at a better time. Then a friend emailed me and recommended a new song album to listen to and its basically been on repeat the last few weeks.

Then a group of ladies came and stayed at the guest house who were here to pour into the local missionaries and help with healing from trauma. I was at lunch one day and I recognized one of them so I asked her if she wanted to sit with my friends and I as she waited for her take away order. The first time I had ever met her. Later that evening we ended up talking for several hours. She was a direct answer to prayer. I had known her for less than 24 hours and God used her to put the wind back into my sails. She shared with me the story of Lazarus and how before Jesus raised him from the dead He wept with those who were weeping. She told me that God calls certain people to be tomb dwellers and it sucks. It’s painful, hard and at times agonizing but when you sit with people in the midst of their trauma and pain then you also have the opportunity to see the miracles happen. Jesus could have told them to stop weeping because He knew that he was going to bring Lazarus back to life but He didn’t. He wept, He sat in their pain, and then He brought him back and got to sit in the aftermath of the miracle. When she told me this it was a game changer. It totally flipped my world upside down in the best way.

Then the day they were leaving two other ladies came up to me and spoke words I felt were also directly from God. One said, “I feel like the Lord wants me to tell you it’s ok to be mad, He can handle it.” the other one came up to me, gave me a notebook and said “I don’t know why I brought this journal with me but I felt like I need to give it to you, I’ve been carrying it around for years. Maybe because I am supposed to give it to you. Maybe this is the beginning of a new journey for you.” Little did she know that I had just talked to a friend just a moment before, about the need to write down everything that has been going on.

You see God showed up. It wasn’t how I thought it would be but it was what I needed. I had started to doubt my purpose here. I knew from the first moment this trip became an opportunity that it was one I needed to jump into. I didn’t know what it would look like or how I would be able to help anyone. God had literally pulled me out my own chaos and hardships back home and He threw me into the fire. He told me “It’s going to hurt but you will not be burned.” So that’s what I am trying to do. I’m trying to walk through the fire but the fear of being burned has made me hesitant. It is painful, its hard and many times I want to run away and give up but I have to trust that God has a plan in all of it even though I don’t always see it at first.

So, I know most of you who took the time to read this all the way to the end probably had no idea that all this had been going on. My Facebook and Instagram seem to portray things as being quite well. I’m sorry it took so long to share what has really been going on but I have sat down to write several times over the past few weeks and never knew how to actually get words out. I never made it more than two sentences before I got stuck and gave up. So, there you have it. Things are crazy, unpredictable, hard and completely life giving and awesome at the same time. It’s a lot to process but I am trying to. After all, this is Africa. Its good at keeping you on your toes and knocking you down when you least expect it. Yet, when it knocks you down it shows you that if you are willing to get back up and trust in God that you will learn to live a life full of meaning and purpose.

It’s a constant battle to get back on my feet. I feel like I been in a wrestling match since I got here. I’m worn down, exhausted and trying to process and learn what it is God called me here for. God has called me to be a tomb dweller. to sit with people in their pain and suffering. There is no denying that. It is the hardest thing to do but also the most rewarding. I am excited to see how the next two months play out with keeping this at the forefront of my mind. I love this beautiful country and everything about it. I am excited to see where the path from here leads. Only God knows the answer to that and I just have to remember to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.