Well, I am back, posting again. The last few days were hard for me. In the last week I had a panic attack, struggled with fighting weaknesses from my past, and wanting to throw up my fists in anger at God. Luckily my head is back in a good place now though. I always thought that the saying “hindsight is 20/20” was so cliche, but it is so very true as well.
Sunday this week I hit my breaking point. Everyone has been complaining about the Corona virus and how it is making them stir crazy for weeks now. I on the other hand felt like up until recently was handling it pretty well. I am a natural introvert so it’s easy for me to not go out and do things. Yes, I am over it and have complained about parks being closed and not being able to enjoy the warm weather we so rarely get here in Washington, but I’ve managed to keep my cool. Now, don’t get me wrong I’ve had my days of binge eating and movie marathons and days where I didn’t get out of bed, I mean, who hasn’t. This has taken a toll on all of our mental health. Yet, for the most part I found a routine and it kept me going. I have been working out, I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been, I’ve found a new niche in working with my new church in being the head of media. I’ve even read a few books and picked up a few pen pals. Quarantine was kind of nice at first to be honest, it forced me to get to know some people really well because they would become my lifeline in surviving all of this.
Now you may be wondering, ok, what is the point, where are you going?
Well, Sunday I hit a level of low I have not experienced yet. I found myself angry, frustrated and full of so much hate. I tried to figure out where it was all coming from but it felt so overwhelming. I didn’t know if the problem was the chicken or the egg, if you catch my drift.
In my frustrations I set out on a drive. I like to get out in nature when my feelings get overwhelming. On my drive I stopped to get gas in my car and went inside the little mini mart to make a purchase, I pulled up my bandana and went inside. I talked to the man working the register who was probably close to my age. He asked me how I was doing and I hesitated and said “im ok”. He then said I looked a little down and asked if I was alright. I started to respond and then stopped. I didn’t want to offend him. I decided to just open up, I replied “to be honest, I mean no disrespect but I’m so over all of this”. He responded with “me too”. My walls came down and I then said how it was keeping me from seeing family and my mom. He then shared about how he hasn’t been able to see his family in Texas either. I left with wishing him luck and he did for me.
I got in my car and wanted to start crying but I felt anger consume me like a raging fire. Three days prior I waited in line to get into Target for 15 minutes only to be turned away at the door for not wearing a mask. You see in Washington, we don’t have a law saying we have to so I didn’t have one. As a matter of fact I have not worn a mask since any of this started. So on Sunday when I knew I had to go into a store that required me to wear a mask I got a red bandana and wore a black sweatshirt and my prescription sunglasses and walked into the mini mart at the gas station. If society was going to make me feel like a thief or bad person by wearing a mask, I was sure as hell going to play the part. A little over dramatic? Yes, but I didn’t care. From the moment people started wearing masks my sense of anxiety has been through the roof. Why? Well because when I have gone into stores and have seen people in masks, they have bandanas or scarves around their mouths, hats on their heads, gloves on their hands and sunglasses on. All their attempts of being safe right? Do you know what someone with a history of being assaulted, attacked or taken advantage of feels when they see someone like that? Terror. They think this person could do anything right now and I would have no way to identify them. They also think, this person is more likely to do something because they know no one would be able to identify them. Just me? Well, ok.
So I haven’t worn a mask before Sunday because of that very reason, and because I low key think that it doesn’t actually protect you as much as you think it does in the long run.
After I fueled up my car, I started driving down the road and saw a man with a sign. I drove by too fast to read it but as soon as I passed him I had a prompting from the Holy Spirit to go back and give him some money. I had a monetary thought of “it’s not safe though… coronavirus”. Which was quickly met by “I would rather get coronavirus and die before I lose my love for humanity”. So I turned around and instead of driving by and giving him money I got out of my car and walked up to him. Here was a man, who wants to work but he can’t because of the virus. He is now struggling on the streets because he also doesn’t get help from the government. I believed him because I was in a similar situation. I lost my job but don’t qualify for unemployment for one reason or another so money is tight. Luckily I’ve been able to pick up more hours at the two part time jobs I have and it’s been allowing me to meet all my needs. But in the beginning, I didn’t know that I would be so fortunate.
I gave the man all I had and then I offered to buy him some food. When I returned he thanked me and said he has been blown away by the generosity of some people and also by the rudeness of others. I then asked him if I could put my hand on his shoulder and pray for him. He agreed and then asked if he could put his hand on mine. I prayed for him, listened a bit more to his story and then went on my way.
Again, I got into my car and wanted to cry but my anger took over. Mad and frustrated of how life is right now for so many people. I had heard two days prior about how the suicide rates are actually higher than the coronavirus deaths now. The day before a friend of mine who works as a doctor said that two of her clinic’s patients had taken their lives. (disclaimer: I am not suicidal and would never attempt to end my life) I legitimately thought about how if I didnt know Christ I would be one of those suicide statistics because the little hope I do have right now wouldn’t exist.
I went about my drive and I felt myself getting angrier and hopeless so I drove home. I chatted with a friend that night and she told me about an Instagram live worship vespers that my old pastor and his daughter did so I checked it out. I immediately began bawling my eyes out.
Over the last two days I have realized that I had let myself fall out of routine. Not reading my bible, spending too much time on social media, not investing in any creative outlets etc… Which plays a huge role in keeping sane for me. So I started Monday to get back on track. Even though it meant waking up earlier than I would have liked. Then today I stumbled upon a book about the enneagram. I have somewhat recently discovered that I am a type 8 on the enneagram. Known as the challenger, the passionate pursuer of justice, the one who speaks up for those who cannot. Want to know what an 8s biggest fear is? Being controlled.
Being controlled by someone who might take advantage of everyone wearing masks.
Being controlled by being forced to wear a mask in public.
Being controlled by being told it’s unsafe to be around others.
Anything else you can think of that has to do with control surrounding Covid-19? Yup, just about everything. It was like a lightbulb went off for me. I was finally able to see where all my anger and frustrations were coming from. The fact that I felt like I was being told what to do when I didn’t agree with it. It was then in that moment I could breathe and let the anger go. To look at my circumstances and say “Yes, I may not be in control but God is and so I have to put my trust in Him when I don’t trust anything else around me”.
So how does a high functioning introvert, type 8 who also feels like they are being suffocated survive Covid-19? They remember to breathe, give themselves grace to not be ok, lean into Jesus and refuse to go into any store that makes them wear a mask. Lol.
I share this with you today because I hope you know you are not alone. I tend to isolate and pretend everything is ok when it is not and then I fall into a pit and have to climb out. I want to encourage you in this: don’t be afraid to share how you really feel. We are all going through really tough times right now. A friend told me a few weeks ago “we are all in the same storm but different boats”. My boat had some holes and really heavy things I’ve been in the process of throwing overboard. Maybe your boat is in great condition and you are doing fine. Maybe your boat is so overflowing with water its filling up faster than you can dump water out. Both are ok. But remember, now is the time more than ever to pour into others and reach out if you need help emptying the water from your boat. Just because we are in different boats doesn’t mean we can’t tie them together and get through this storm.
Live a Life Worth Living 
Leave a comment