Today after my staff meeting for work I was only about 15 minutes away from a cute little town called Snohomish. It reminds me so much of my little hometown Petaluma back in northern California. I like to go visit every once in a while because it’s like going home and visiting when my homesick heart needs a hug. I reached out to a friend who lives there and asked if she wanted to join me for coffee and a walk downtown. Nothing is open right now because of Covid-19 but i still enjoy the feeling of home it gives me. I didn’t get a response so I was about to just go home but at the last minute my heart leaped. Almost to say “go! It will do your soul good to see it”. So I did. I walked down the street and got some coffee from a little local shop. I haven’t had coffee in two weeks because I was giving my body a much needed break so if all I did was get coffee my heart would have been happy.
I decided to walk on the riverfront path, I went the opposite direction than I normally do. About 10 minutes down the path my gut told me to turn around. I proceeded to walk back into town. I was listening to the water and the birds and just asking God to show up. I began praying. It has been a very hard couple of months. I don’t usually process things all that great. I hold them in and I put on a strong front. I hold up and encourage others before I think about how to hold up and encourage myself. I realized that I had not been honest with myself. I had been pretending I was ok. Almost as to psyche myself into thinking I was ok. Yet I realized, I actually was not.
I moved to Washington 126 days ago. So just a little over 4 months. It’s crazy to think about that because I feel like I have been here a year. It feels like it has been a year since I have seen any familiar faces from home. I had a dream last night that I ran into a friend from home and I embraced her in the biggest bear hug I could. She was the first person from home I had seen since I moved here and I just fell apart and started bawling. I quickly freaked out because I forgot to ask her if it was even ok to hug her because of the whole social distancing thing. I woke up only to realize that my dream had revealed to me that I am in fact grieving or in need of grieving more than I thought.
I moved to Washington because I knew God wanted me to. I could share all the ways He has shown up over these last few months but that would be a post for itself but I will share a bit. So, even though my mom and dad both asked me if I needed to come home when the shelter in place happened, I said no, because Washington is my home now. For how long, only God knows that, but I do know that I am where I am supposed to be. As hard as that is sometimes. There is nothing I miss more than hugging my mom. In fact, this mother’s day was really hard because it was the first Mother’s Day I wasn’t able to be with her and our relationship is the best it has ever been. She has been my rock, especially since I’ve moved up here.
Washington has brought many failed plans and heartaches for me. I moved up here and the first week brought snow, which was hard for two reasons. I had no idea how to drive in it, so I had to rely on friends to get me to work and well, I am a wimp when it comes to the cold. Shortly after there were some issues with my job that made a bunch of PTSD resurface for me. It was hard because I was alone most of my days, inside with the baby I was caring for and I felt isolated and alone. Then just as I felt like I was starting to get plugged in and have some kind of friend group and connection, Covid -19 happened and I felt my world around me crashing down. I had to cancel my plans to go home and visit family and they had to cancel their plans of coming up and seeing me. The promise of seeing them was not only delaying my homesickness but it was the breath of fresh air that was keeping me going. The wind in my sails had ceased and I felt myself trying to row a massive ship by myself. I held onto hope though because at least I had a job. If I was still in California I wouldn’t have a job.
Well, it’s been about 4 week now that I lost my job. Not only was I heartbroken because the baby I had been helping to raise for the last 4 months was no longer in my life but I had no way to provide money for rent or other needs. I moved up here for a job I no longer had. I spiraled out a bit after that one. One failed hope after another after another. It has not been an easy journey but it’s been so worth it.
Right before the Covid outbreak I took on a job position with our church. On staff as the head of media working part time. Then my already steep learning curve got a little more intense when our church went solely to livestream and I had to learn things I had never done before. Yet, I know it’s all been part of God’s plan from the beginning. I am able to work two part time jobs right now, one at the church and I still get to nanny two days a week now. So it’s allowing me to get by through all of this.
Anyways, back to my story. I was walking down the street and praying for God to show up. We have been a little disconnected lately. I’ve had a hard time connecting on Sundays because of everything I have to do behind the scenes to make church work. I also haven’t been making the time to do my normal devotions in the mornings. Then he started to show up. He said “look at the water, constantly flowing, never ceasing. That is like my love for you”. Listen to the birds, singing their songs. That is like me, singing my songs over you. Look at those flowers, blooming in the sun. They have bloomed after a cold and wet winter. That is my promise to you. I am here, always, you only need to look for me”.
Just then I looked up and saw a sign on one of the windows of a closed store and it said “ It’s gonna be ok”. I instantly thought of the song that I used to listen to in one of my darkest seasons. “You’re Gonna Be Ok” by Jenn Johnson. It started playing in my head as I continued my walk. I saw a place to step off to the side a bit and look over at the water. So, I stopped, coffee in hand and staring at the water I just breathed it all in. Yes, I did need this, I am glad I came. Thank you God for showing up just how I needed it.
Then I heard someone coming on the path from farther up, I couldn’t see them because of the tall grass and flowers blocking the way around the corner. All of a sudden, my heart started pounding. I found myself consumed with fear and anxiety. You see, ever since I was attacked in Uganda, I don’t do well places by myself, especially not in nature. I am always assuming the worst of people. It was an older man walking down the path, he stopped and said hello.
“Contemplating life?” he asked
“No, just admiring the beauty of what’s in front of me”. I said as I tried to gauge what his intentions were and how I could escape if he came closer. I told him I had recently moved to Kenmore and I drove to this town (thirty minutes away) because it reminded me of home. He then proceeded to tell me about his little home town and all it has to offer when everything is open. I still didn’t know how to gauge him. Was he being friendly or creepy? He began to point out all the different kinds of birds and things to see in nature as well. I acknowledged him but also kept my guard up.
“Do you go to church”? He asked. My attitude immediately changed.
“Yes, I do. It’s called Freedom Church”.
“I had a feeling you did. Here I have something for you.” He handed me a book about the bible. I thanked him and we said our goodbyes and headed on our separate ways.
I felt overwhelmed with tears not only did God show up but He hand delivered a message to me. One that screamed “I see you, I love you, I am here for you”. I glanced over at another window of a store before getting into my car and it said “Tough times never last but tough people do”. I opened up the book he gave me and on the first page it said “ Be ready to give an answer to every man that asks you a reason of the hope that is in you” (1 Peter 3:15)
I had spent weeks spirialing and trying to stay afloat. Weeks of fighting back against the thoughts that have been consuming me. Trying to fight a battle that has seemed hopeless. Today God reminded me of His goodness. Of who my hope is in. My hope is in Christ. My hope will always be in Christ. When the world around me is crumbling and seems to be falling apart, my hope is in Christ. When I am homesick and I want to throw in my towel and go home, My hope is in Christ. When I lose my job and don’t know how I am going to pay my bills, my hope is in Christ. When I don’t feel like God hears me and I’m lost, my hope remains in Christ.
Whatever you are going through, I hope you know that God sees you, He loves you, He has not abandoned you and He is ALWAYS there. Sometimes you just need to change your perspective.
Live a Life Worth Living 
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