Chase the Undertow

I felt the pebbles squish between my toes. It was a weird sensation at first but soon enough the rocks became like tiny shards of glass. Seemingly so small that if you were to stand still on them you could feel the hundreds of tiny pin pricks caressing the bottom of your foot. The only relief was to run as fast as you could on the balls of your feet so you could avoid the tiny pin pricks, at least momentarily. So, that’s what I did, I ran. I run when I feel stuck sometimes. It was as though I was running away from the pain that I had been holding onto. The pain that this season of life has tried to hurt me with. The heartaches, the tears and the fears of jumping into the unknown. These were the tiny glass shards that had been taking over my life and left me agonizing in pain. Instead of standing still and letting the rocks dig their way in, I took off as fast as I could until my lungs were bursting with the cold damp air I was breathing in. The same cold air that was making my hair stick to my face as though it were wet. I looked back towards the water and saw the sun setting. It was so peaceful. so moving. It was almost as though I could hear it whispering to me. The last sunset on a beach that I would see for at least the next 6 months. I watched the sun set over the large sharp boulders in the distance, hugging them tighter and tighter until it disappeared. Reminding me of the sun setting on this season of my life too. Soon I will be boarding a plane and headed to a different country on the other side of the world; away from every comfort I have ever known.The sun now hiding behind the rocks in the distance left the sky painted with deep hues of pinks, blues and purples. The kind of artistry that one only hopes to see in their dreams.

I turned to look at the ocean and the waves began to thunder and boom louder and louder. It was so powerful I could feel it in my chest. A sound I had learned to find comfort in but also one that made me realize how small I really was in the world.

“watch out for the undertow”. I instantly remembered that being said about this beach. It was a name I learned to fear as a child. The beach has always been my safe place but when you heard there was an undertow it had the tendency to make everyone stand on edge. It was the kind of fear that no one acknowledged but you knew it was there. The kind that makes your hair stand on edge. It wasn’t safe. 

An undertow is when the current below the surface is flowing in the opposite direction of the that which can be seen. It has a tendency to create a break in the shore, causing a steep drop. I stood staring, mesmerized to see the water thrashing about. Then I saw it. It looks as though it took the form of an enormous foot. Stomping upon the shore with a mighty force and then dragging it back out to the deep sea. If you get caught in the undertow I imagine it must be something like being trampled by a giant.

But what happens if you are too afraid of something to take the chance and get your feet wet. I used to be that kind of person. Too afraid of something to take a chance, a leap of faith. Too afraid to get closer to the ocean and face the unknown. As I stood staring at the undertow I began to walk forward. With each step I felt the small pebbles once again turn to glass beneath the bottoms of my feet. I stood still until the wave slowly crept up and gently kissed my toes. There I stood in the midst of pain facing my biggest fear. Do I run towards it and get my feet wet or do I run back up the beach? Time stood still as the decision lingered in my thoughts, mulling over what to do. I saw the water reside, and the next wave forming on the horizon. Surely this one is big enough and if I don’t move it will get my feet wet. I must choose to embrace it and tackle it head on or start running away again. 

So, one foot in front of the other I began to run. I ran without holding back. I ran as though my life depended on it. I knew that if I didn’t run without holding back than I might stop and I couldn’t let myself do that. But this time I ran into the water. With each step I watched my feet plunge into the water and step on to the unknown. As I ran it splashed up on my face and I felt free. As my feet faded into the sea the pain started to dissipate.

Isn’t that how it is in life though? Aren’t we all constantly facing pain, trials and hardships? No person suffers the same thing but it all affects us in similar ways. Whether I ran towards the waves or away from them I would still be standing on the rocks that were attacking my feet. If I ran up the beach I would be safe. Where I’m comfortable. Where I know where my feet will land. But if I ran towards the water I’d be walking blind and facing my fears. Yet, it was the very act of facing the unknown and my fears that offered the relief of the soothing water. 

If we take more risks and tread on more unfamiliar waters we would find that there a lot more people who are willing to take the same chance. The same leap of faith. If we run away and stay with what’s normal we risk never getting to know if facing our fears is indeed what makes us stronger. 

The water soothed my feet as it slowly began to turn them numb. Though, this allowed me to walk the entirety of the beach without feeling the sharp rocks drill into my feet. As I walked to the car I felt each and every poke and pin prick but this time, it didn’t hurt. A result from facing the undertow, from facing the unknown. It can be scary but if we are willing to risk it we might come to learn that the things we find in those moments are the things that help us cope during the hard times. During the moments where we are in so much pain we want to give up. When we feel like the world doesn’t understand. It allows us to feel the pressure because life will never be easy and it will always have bumps along the way but it will help us know how to process the pain better and learn to walk in it. In Order to tread through this life, we were all made to run towards the undertow.